I reinstalled after a year of caring for my father
- Looking for
- a slow start with somebody who is not in a hurry either
- Experience
- Eleven years, three dynamics, then a year of nothing at all.
- Around
- Manhattan, New York
My father was ill for fourteen months and I was the one who did it. I deleted everything in the first fortnight because the idea of maintaining a profile while that was happening seemed obscene, and I did not think about any of this again until about March.
He died in February. I am fine, in the sense that I am functioning and eating and back at work. I mention it only because it explains a gap and because I would rather not be asked in month two why I vanished from the world.
Forty three, Manhattan, eleven years in, a switch. What I have noticed since reinstalling is that I am much less interested in intensity than I was. The things I want now are quiet: an evening that is planned, somebody who is where they said they would be, structure that holds without anybody having to be dramatic about it.
Direction I would rather discuss than declare. I have run both and I am comfortable in both, and my honest preference at the moment is towards the receiving end, which surprised me. I am not in a rush and I would ask you not to be either. A conversation, then a coffee, then whatever it turns out to be over a couple of months.
Not looking to talk about grief in any detail. Not looking for anyone who needs me to be their steady person right now. Not looking for something that has to be decided by next weekend.